The Saying Good Bye Process

March 07, 2019
If you have read my post on the "concept of death," you know that I am someone who doesn't know how to process death. I don't understand it as do most people. It bothers me so much that I can't seem to talk about it with anyone because it doesn't make sense when it comes out of my mouth.

The reason I bring this up again is that I got a new bunny that I and my boyfriend named Bunso for my oldest bunny Gizmo. A post all about these two should be up soon.

Bunso & Gizmo
Getting Bunso was an emotional experience for me. I knew Gizmo missed having another bunny around since his brother Samson passed away in 2017. Samson and Gizmo had been together since birth and I adopted both of them at 6 months. Samson was barely five when he passed so young. I am still not sure why he left us so early but I continue to blame myself for not taking care of him like I promised and waiting to take him to a vet. That's also for another blog post. 

I never fully said goodbye to Samson. I remember crying when I found him in his cage with Gizmo sitting next to him. I screamed and said my baby was gone but I never got to say goodbye. 

I refused to. I did the same thing with my Lolo and my Tito when they passed away. I never said goodbye and I probably never will. My mind can't process the goodbye process like it does with everything else.

I say goodbye all the time like when I leave my house, when my family goes out and even when one of my kids from work gets to go home. It isn't hard for those goodbyes because I know I will come back or they will come back. I can't say goodbye to those who have passed on. 

When my Lolo passed away, my mom would always say I will see you soon. She never said goodbye to him either. My mom knows that goodbye for them means they will not be coming back to us. 

It is a comfort thing to say that you will see the passed loved one soon or that they will always be around in your heart. I can't seem to feel that same comfort. It doesn't work for me because the result is the same, they are gone. 

It feels like a stone was thrown at the side of my head every time I think of this saying goodbye process. I feel like my head could just fall over because of all the weight. I get lost in my dark thoughts and end up feeling numb. 

But I have realized, life does go on. I will never move on from this but I can move forward and learn to cope the best I can. I shouldn't let these deep thoughts take over my entire wellbeing. 

The saying goodbye process does not have to be a goodbye at all. I will never say goodbye to my baby Samson. I finally went to his grave in December for the first time. I did not go to see him buried. I told Sammy that he will always be loved and that he is still around in Gizmo. Gizmo is the only thing I have left of Samson. When I had to leave, I said that I will be okay but my heart will never be able to heal fully. 

Finally realizing that, I was able to come to terms with what helped me say goodbye. I just said I will be okay and that my heart can't become whole again. It does sound morbid and sad but that's the reality I have now. The saying goodbye process will never get easier but I will learn how to move foward with it. 

1 comment:

  1. I lost my bunny Leo in September 2017 after having him for 8 years. I totally understand what you're going through!


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