Mental Health Diary: Being Comfortable With Loneliness

August 23, 2018

Strange that I had just written a mental health article and here I am, writing one about myself.

I wanted to start writing about how I'm doing with managing all these emotional problems mostly for me to look back on and see if I have gotten better or worse over time. I know others have similar obstacles in their lives and it's comforting to know you aren't alone.

I think humans are meant to be lonely. Check out this video from "The School Of Life" on youtube about why we end up lonely We are all consumed in our lives going through our individual days alone. Even if you have someone by your side 24/7, you still end up going to bed knowing in your mind; you are the only one that truly understands yourself.

Loneliness is different for everyone. There is a distinction between feeling lonely and being alone. Being alone is common nowadays, and some people are okay with that. You don't have to be lonely to feel alone. You also don't have to be alone to feel lonely. It becomes an overwhelming pain when feeling lonely makes you alone. 

I never felt true loneliness until my mind was surrounded by darkness I was unable to control. I just let that darkness consume me whole. The loneliness came when I thought no one around me could understand and I wasn't able to connect with anyone. In some aspect that is true as all minds are unique but in the case of loneliness being caused by your mental struggles, you are on your own.

I became detached from reality and sunk into this state of not being able to fix myself. I cut myself away from others emotionally. How could they understand there was something in me that wasn't me but was part of who I was.

I still feel like that every day just now my loneliness is something I caused. I knew my change in plans for what I wanted in my life were going to make me alone. No one around me has ever gone through this exact situation, but they have been through something similar. I can share how this loneliness with change is affecting me regularly. I also know that the people I decided to vent to can only give me so much comfort because they are not on the same level emotionally as I am. That is not something I have convinced myself of yet, but I am slowly getting there.

As I sit here writing this, I am alone. There is no one in my house as they are either at school or their jobs. That's just the way our schedules worked out. I used to come home from work and be greeted by silence. That is when I am alone but don't feel lonely. I feel alone when my thoughts get too much, and no one is around to talk to. I have no one to give me any advice but myself and the internet.

Something is comforting about being alone sometimes. I get to recharge and have no one bother me while I do my work. That's nice when I need to get things done but having hours of being by myself; I feel myself starting to go back to that dark place. When I have people around, I never get sad and don't have time to tear myself apart by my thoughts.

The only time I can be comfortable being alone is when I'm busy. I don't get burnt out easily from doing tasks. Lately, I've tried doing chores but cannot get out of this lonely place. It gets a little harder every day but should get more comfortable as I get used to the change.

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