The Concept Of Death

September 12, 2018


Disclaimer: I don't understand it


Most of you haven't heard yet, but my uncle recently passed away. He was only 39 and seemed to be completely healthy. He was in Dubai working as a tattoo artist and planning to get married to his fiance who everyone seemed to adore. He loved playing guitar just like my grandfather. His friends jokingly called him the 'master' because he was extremely talented with music. None of us know why he left us so early. 

My family is hugely traditional which means we will have the same service we had for my grandfather. My grandfathers lasted 3 weeks, but my uncle's actual service will last nine days. It's going to take even longer because he passed away in Dubai and they will fly him back home. My parents in America will be coming next week to say goodbye. I'm just lucky I'm already here in Davao. 

His body will be put in our living room until it's time for him to join my grandfather. There will be screaming, someone passing out but mostly sobs from everyone when he is placed in our house. My family is exceptionally emotional just like I am. It sometimes goes overboard, but that's how some of us cope. My mother is definitely one of the people that go overboard. She is just like me. We both feel way too much, but I am able to control myself. My mother hasn't developed that skill yet.  

I don't think I'm very sad that he passed. I'm angry because he shouldn't have been taken away from us. I'm upset that we just recovered from my grandfather's death. It's like we all stitched up our wounds just for them to be cut open again. I feel guilty because he could've been saved. I'm feeling all of these messed up emotions, but it will always boil down to one, confusion. 

I do not understand what death is. I know what it means, but I can't seem to come up with what it is. I don't understand that somehow my uncle woke up that morning and a few hours later, he was having breathing problems and went into cardiac arrest. He died the same way our grandfather did. I don't get that his body decided it couldn't take anymore, so it just stopped. I have no clue what a person thinks when that happens. Do they know they are about to die? How does their soul just vanish from their home? 

It doesn't make sense to me. My cousins told me to read some psychology books to help me understand better. Those books don't tell me where my uncle is. Those books can explain what happened but cannot tell me why. Religion tells me he went to heaven but how do we all really know where we go. Only the people that leave their physical selves understand where they went. I do believe we all go somewhere and heaven is just one of many. 

In the movie, "The Nightmare Before Christmas," they have one scene of a bunch of trees with doors that lead to the different holidays. I imagine those doors of different lives we wanted for ourselves before we die. We just open one up and start living on of our dreams. That's a kind of heaven I imagine. 
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There's just flashes in my mind of him being in a casket which I haven't seen yet. I will be here to see him be placed. I do not know how my uncle can just lay there forever. How my grandfather has laid still for 2 years. How does this happen? 

I sometimes still think that my grandfather is alive. When I walk into our house, I think he's waiting for us, but he's not. I get so anxious every time we go visit his grave because if we just dug a few feet, we could see him again. There's no movement from him though. We are the ones who keep moving and keep pushing forward. This will be the same for my uncle. 

I only have memories now. Pictures and videos scattered around that we all will share together. I hate only having memories. I'm just supposed to keep them alive in my heart until I join them. It's just a mess of a topic.

I know I will wake up crying in the night because they are both gone. The guilt I shouldn't have will haunt me until I'm strong enough to get past it. It follows me around like it's chained to my leg. The sudden sharp pain I feel in my stomach thinking about it won't go away soon. I will deal with the process by myself. I don't want to bring other people into this. No one can support me the way I want. I just wish they weren't gone. This wasn't supposed to happen now. 

If there were a way to take all my families pain away and give it all to me, I'd do it. I would carry all of their weaknesses, so they could go on. I would do anything for my family to be okay again. We all feed off each others hysteria. It's only us who have to figure our way through the rest of our days. 

Going on without them doesn't seem right. I could go on about this forever, but this post is getting too long. So, I'll just end it here. 

You'll be a master wherever you are now my uncle. One day we will all be together again. See you soon. 

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